This bond is formed when sincere feelings of love, respect, and attraction are replaced with imaginings of security, connectedness and protection. The state of physical closeness and emotional distance is what characterizes a fantasy bond. In a sense, my marriage solved my problem: My husband was physically ‘there,’ so I didn’t have to be afraid of being alone anymore, and I acted in ways that kept him at a distance that I could tolerate emotionally.” In order to identify the wedge that’s driving couples apart, it’s helpful to understand the concept of the “fantasy bond.” As the major principle of a comprehensive psychological theory developed by my father, psychologist and author Robert Firestone, the “fantasy bond” describes a way of relating that serves as a substitute for a truly loving relationship As my father has written of the fantasy bond, “This illusion of connection and closeness allows to maintain an imagination of love and loving, while preserving emotional distance.”Īs one woman who was going through a divorce after six years of marriage said, “Growing up I was terrified of being alone, but I also knew that I was afraid of being close to another person. What prompts the shift from helpless love to deep disinterest? What turns our heart-racing enthusiasm for another person to boredom and dissatisfaction? With researchers estimating that 30-60 percent of married individuals in the United States will have an affair at some point in their relationship, it may be time to really examine what causes our affections to wane. The wave of “deadness” that can submerge a relationship after the first thrilling months or years have caused many couples to lose hope, and even look elsewhere for the excitement of newfound intimacy. Some chalk it up to evolved differences, a slow growing apart, or sheer familiarity. Communication Between Couples, Critical Inner Voice and Intimacy, Fear of Intimacy, Relationship Advice, Relationship Problems, Relationships, The Fantasy BondĬountless couples complain of losing the “spark” in their relationship.
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